This has been a very trying time, both in the US and abroad. Paris
is aflame with anger and distress; New York is a boiling pot of resentment and
rage; brutality on the screen and on television envelops us. People
are protesting in the streets and parents and grandparents are concerned about
how all of this affects their families. Finding peaceful ways of settling
differences is imperative to our survival.
We re-discovered a wonderful article, written by Barbara Oehlberg*, for the Ohio’s Peacemaking Education
Network. The
article is very
relevant today. We’re excerpting parts of that article to share
with you. Although this was written for teachers, it is applicable to
families. This is important stuff!
Please note, we've added some of our thoughts to the article, in
regular type, while her text is in italics.
“We talk about violence in the
streets, abuse in the home, and injustices in the economy as an inevitable part
of life. We even talk about non-violence, which seems to accept violence
as a ‘given’.
If violence is in fact increasing, how
or why is this happening? Who is inadvertently training children to
become violent adults? What sort of homes and schools are these children
coming from?
According to Ashley Montagu,
aggressiveness and violence stem from a perceived sense of powerlessness, not from feeling powerful and
competent. Children have to live in or experience peace and justice if
they are to become champions of these virtues.
Our attitudes as teachers (parents-grandparents) toward bad tempers and
aggressiveness could be a contributing factor to nurturing violence if it
communicates ‘It’s only human nature and you can’t change human nature.’
The ‘boys will be boys’ attitude makes aggression a virtue of masculinity.
Emotions or feelings become the
language by which we all share with others how we view the world. In
order to use emotions constructively we all need to understand and accept our
own emotions, otherwise they dictate our lives and deny us the freedom to
choose our responses to and interaction with others.
By fulfilling children’s
emotional needs and teaching/modeling the acceptance of ALL feelings, we
empower children to choose to be instruments of peace. However, when
adults insist a child say, ‘I’m sorry,’ I suspect it is more to fulfill a need
of ours (perhaps for tranquility or order) than a carefully designed learning
experience in justice for the child.
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t not
absolve the pain of jealousy, frustration, anger or rejection within the
child. What the request does do is imply that the very real feelings the
child is experiencing are not valid or acceptable. The child has just
internalized the profound learning experience that his/her feelings are not
normal and certainly can’t be trusted. Saying ‘I’m sorry’(in these circumstances) will neither resolve the conflict in a just way nor impart
the skills for dealing constructively with it.
Acceptance and affirmation are
the basis and the foundation, of conflict management for persons of all
ages. Accepting all of a child’s feelings (not necessarily the behavior) as normal, as ‘OK’ is the first step toward
peacemaking. As adults, this may be an uncomfortable and difficult task
as we fear our acceptance may be misinterpreted as condonement…and so it is
that children are often denied the energizing experience of being allowed to
accept their own feelings and using that sense of trust as a motivation toward
building responsible justice.”
Some of these ideas may not be a perfect fit for the
circumstances. For example, when a child does something hurtful to
another child, perhaps you can step into the situation and take some part in
resolving it before it escalates…”I’m not going to allow you to hurt
Jacob. Let’s talk about another way of being with Jacob and not hurting
him…maybe figure out why you’re doing this.” If Emily and Jason are going
at it, after separating them, feelings can be discussed and validated, but also
help start a discussion of other ways of resolving their issues, including apologizing
if they have done something wrong. Sometimes it is better to wait
until things calm down to have this discussion.
Often in the heat of an argument, rational thinking cannot be expected.
Being a child, a parent and/or a great-grandparent is not easy. In
families, each person has his/her own personality and feelings. Often it is
beyond stressful to be able to engage each one and react in an even handed and
thoughtful way, especially under pressure and when there is more than one child
involved. Taking an affirmative stand for a peaceful solution is a vital
tool for adults. As hard as this may be, it is an important step in
modeling peaceful and thoughtful responses.
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