THIS "BEARS" REPEATING!!!

We read this wonderful article in the Huffington Post in Oct. 2013, and we thought it "beared repeating".  Rabbi Carr Reuben's profound piece is a "must read" for great-grandparents, grandparents, parents and caregivers. What wise words to start off the New Year!!!   We want to thank the Rabbi for allowing us to "repeat" this.    

                           

                                      

                                                                                                                

Most of the Time 'Good Enough' Really Is! by Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben 

I had a very challenging childhood. My biological father died of a heart attack  when I was four years old and somewhere deep inside I decided that nothing is really ever  totally safe, or secure. So perhaps it wasn't such a surprise, that, even though my mom remarried an amazing man who adopted me and my sister and has been my blessing of a father my entire life to this very day, some traumas just never go away.

I also had a rocky beginning when it came to fitting in and being successful at school. I quit my first pre-school because I was being bullied by kids who wouldn't let me play on the jungle gym. Then I was kicked out of my next pre-school because I was caught writing on my desk. Then I enrolled in elementary school and my parents were promptly informed by my teacher that I "failed' nap because I couldn't even sit still, let alone actually lie down for any length of time without talking. In Kindergarten my teacher was so frustrated with my incessant talking that she put scotch tape over my mouth. Bullied, kicked out of school, failed nap, scotch tape over my mouth, and then I got to FIRST GRADE.

I was at Franklin Elementary from kindergarten through 6th grade and I recall the school having an awful lot of rules: "No running in the halls," "No talking unless you were on the playground," "Students were not allowed to be tardy to class." If you violated any one of these or the other million rules at Franklin, there were monitors that roamed the halls and playground just itching for the opportunity to give any student the dreaded "monitor slip." If you got one you had to present it to your teacher and if you got more than one in one day, you were sent to the principal's office.

I somewhat embarrassingly admit that perhaps the real high point of my entire elementary school career was the fact that I, little "Stevie Reuben," held the Franklin Elementary School record for amassing the most monitor slips ever given in one day -- 23! 

Every single year, every single teacher magically seemed to know MY name by the end of the very first day of school in the fall. Always. And my report cards? I remember them ALL to this very day. Why? Every single report card had the same words written by nearly every single teacher I ever had -- "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Reuben, I believe that Stevie has "a lot of potential." But, he is so easily distracted that so far he is clearly an underachiever."

Well, that was me for most of my life. At least my student life, and my student life was really a long time -- after high school, it was four years of college for a BA in Philosophy and a BA in Political Science at UC Davis, five years of graduate school to get a Masters in Hebrew Letters and become ordained as a rabbi at the Hebrew Union College in Jerusalem, Los Angeles and New York, a year and a half to get a Master's Degree in Education from USC, an internship to get Certification in Aging and Gerontology from the University of Georgia, and two years to get a Ph.D. in Religion from Sierra University in Costa Mesa.

So what's with all those degrees? Actually, I was never that great a student, I always just got by with grades that were "good enough." Not so many "A's" not so many "C's" or God-forbid, "D's," but enough "B's" to end high school with a solid "B" average which at the time was "good enough" to get into college. Then I just kept doing "good enough" to move from one level of school to the next, set another goal and do "good enough" to move to the next level and on, and on, and on.

"Good enough" continued to be my personal theme throughout my entire academic career, and actually, throughout my professional career as well. As I grew into an adult, became a parent and a teacher, and sometimes even a mentor to others, I realized that one of the greatest lessons I have learned from the successes of my own life is that most of the time, good enough really is.

That is why I am sharing all of this in the first place. Even though I was never a really good student, and evidently was consistently an "underachiever" at least in the eyes of my teachers, somehow I figured out how at every turn, with every challenge, in every situation in which I found myself in school and ultimately in life itself, to do and to be "good enough." 

I started writing parenting books in 1987, and whenever I would be lecturing to groups of parents I would often begin by pointing to myself and simply saying, "This is what a hyperactive kid looks like when he grows up -- not perfect, but good enough." The renown psychologist Bruno Bettelheim's last book before he died was called simply, A Good Enough Parent. For Bettleheim, and for me, "Good enough" is just that -- good enough.

It's foolish to burden ourselves or our kids with expectations of being perfect, acting perfect, achieving everything, never missing a shot, making every goal, winning every trophy, being the best at everything, or any number of a hundred different totally unrealistic expectations we so easily slip into for ourselves, our spouses, our partners, our children, our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our friends, and even our rabbis.

No one has a stress-free life. No one gets out of this world without loss, without pain, without sorrow, without failing at one goal or another. So stop and think about all that we do and say every year that somehow validates the idea that each and every one of us is an underachiever in some way, with some relationships, in some setting -- work, or school, or family. Because that really describes every one of us. And so what? The quality of our lives is not a function of getting an "A" on the test, or coming in first at the awards ceremony, or having the fastest car, or the biggest house, or the coolest stuff.

Everyone has failures in life. It is never our failures that define us, but rather our resilience that is the measure of our true character. I know I have experienced pain and sorrow, the death of loved ones, the grief and sorrow of learning to let go, of disappointment after disappointment and yet all of it I now see as necessary elements that ultimately helped create the remarkable life I have been privileged to live.

I was married once and divorced. Having failed in my first marriage, I remember thinking, "What kind of rabbi gets divorced? What kind of role model is that for others?" But then I met and fell in love with Didi, my wife now of some 30 years, and I realized it was my resilience that was the true role model. I was rejected by the college where I first applied and felt like a loser when my second choice university accepted me instead. And then that college sent me to study in Jerusalem for my junior year, and the experience there changed my life and the direction of my career forever. It led me directly into the most fulfilling and remarkable years of my life.

The success of our lives is never dependent on being the best, or always winning, or never making mistakes. It is never about falling down, we all do that all the time. It is always about simply getting up again, dusting ourselves off, accepting every experience as a gift to be learned from, and remembering that most of the time good enough really is.

Life is filled with blessings and curses, but the kicker is, you can never tell for sure which is which. Our job is to grow our souls deeper each year, with every experience we share, with every loss, with every pain, with every joy, with every celebration, with every sorrow, with every tear -- every one of them is part of the building blocks of our lives and who we are is the result of every experience we have ever had. What matters most is never the circumstance or experiences of our lives alone, but the meaning we choose to ascribe to those experiences.

Ultimately, I believe the most important lessons we can learn about life are that it is up to us to fill every day with gratitude, with loving, with kindness, and enough meaning to remind us each day that what we say matters, what we do matters, and who we are matters most of all.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-steven-carr-reuben-phd/ 

HOLIDAYS MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE

Our great/grandchildren

Here are some quick thoughts about the upcoming holidays. In this spirit we present these ideas……
FOR A MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF PLEASURE AND A MINIMUM AMOUNT OF STRESS 

• Family is the most important part of the holiday season!
• Gifts and material things are for the moment, but caring is lasting.
• Children are often the focus of our giving, but caring for ourselves, our children, our family and friends is the best gift we can give. 

PLAN AHEAD  

• Be aware of your energy, money and stamina and spread them out through the holidays so that you have some of each left.
• Cook ahead of time and freeze.
• Don’t shop when you are tired: this helps cut down on impulse buying.
• Shop by phone, internet or catalog or make your own gifts at home.

DON’T OVERDO MATERIAL THINGS

• Discuss the original meaning of the holiday with your great/grandchildren.
• Let your great/grandchildren know what your values are so that their expectations are real.
• Gift giving can be a bottomless pit.  Make a list and then cut that in half.
• Emphasize the importance of people and not things.
• Don’t equate material gifts with love.

KEEP THINGS SAFE

• Check your tree, lights and wiring
• Practice extra precaution when cooking or making crafts

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

• Understand that holidays are a stressful time because of the many unusual demands, especially if you are away from your family or if you have large family gatherings.
• Eat properly and rest – the temptation is to eat fast foods and snacks.
• Treat yourself well and your children will be well.  Accidents happen more easily when you are tired or frustrated.
• Don’t try to be a super great/grandparent.  If you do half of what you planned, you’re probably doing too much.

GIVE AGE APPROPRIATE AND FUN GIFTS

• If gifts are inappropriate, your great/grandchildren may get frustrated and you may get angry because h/she does not meet your expectations.
• A rule of thumb is:  The younger the child, the bigger the toy parts
• “Educational” toys may be “un-educational” if they are not enjoyable.
• Buy and make things that can be used in various, imaginative ways 
• Buy and make safe and sturdy toys http://www.cpsc.gov/

Have a very healthy, safe, fun and peaceful holiday!

Until next year, 

HO HO HO,

Laurie & June

P.S. WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY ADVERTISING LINKS...WE HAVEN'T QUITE LEARNED HOW TO GET RID OF THEM. 

A THANKSGIVING GIVING

This year, we’ve come up with a “giving” idea we want to share.  This involves our four great/grandchildren, ages 8 and 7 year old brothers, and 6 year old boy/girl twins.

In addition to the regular Thanksgiving holiday hoopla, we’re adding a new way for the children to think about the world around them, without judging how they view it.   We feel it is important for children to be aware of the needs of others and begin to see how they can help. 

Each child will be given a personalized box with $25.00, made up of $5.00 bills.  They will become the owners and bankers of their own “trust account”.  Along with the box, they will be given a balance sheet type form to fill out, and written material that explains the needs of many different groups (charities).   

Since they are all quite computer savvy, they will be encouraged to look for charities that are of interest to them.  It will be their job to decide: if they want to give some or all of their money to these or other charities of their choice, or if they want to keep it to buy something for themselves or save it for another occasion. The only requirement is that they keep track of their expenditures on the enclosed form.  They will also be told that this “trust account” will be replenished every year at Thanksgiving.  Their parents will have to help by sending the actual contribution, as the kids don’t have checkbooks or credit cards, yet.

The most important part of this “giving” is: the parents are asked in advance and approve of this, and that NO JUDGEMENT or SHAME be attached if the child decides to keep the money for themselves.  Although this idea implies giving to others, sometimes the child can feel a "personal need”, and we should acknowledge and accept it.

So, watch out: United Way, United Jewish Welfare, Catholic and Christian Charities, ASPCA, ACLU, etc., etc., etc….we are building your future donor and board member list. 

AN UNFORTUNATE TEACHABLE MOMENT

We’ve been astounded by the trial and verdict in the Trayvon Martin – George Zimmerman case.  We’ve been watching, listening and reading.  We suspect that many of you, your children and great-grandchildren have also been following or exposed to this case.  The children are probably sensing our outrage and discomfort, and are not sure how to process this all.

We don’t have the answers, but have found a couple of VERY POWERFUL responses that we want to share.  We would love to know how you, your friends, your children, are discussing this with the children in their lives. 

There are NO easy ways to tell children that racial bias and profiling still exist in this country.  What happened to “liberty and justice for all”?

June & Laurie

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A year and a half ago I was one of the over two million people who signed a Change.org petition posted by two parents, Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin. "Prosecute the killer of our son, 17-year-old Trayvon Martin" it read. Through my tears, I signed that petition and shared it with everyone I knew.

The very idea that an unarmed black teenager who was watching the NBA All Star Game with his family could decide to run over to the local 7-11 and be murdered on the way home by a neighborhood watch captain—and that the person who shot him, George Zimmerman, would not be arrested - enraged me.  After hearing the 911 call,  I was astounded that Zimmerman had the nerve to claim self defense and that the police went along with it and let Zimmerman go free.

Did not the black teenager have the liberty to walk where he saw fit without being accosted by a threatening stranger? Didn't that black teenager deserve the same justice that would surely have been served if he'd been a white 17-year-old carrying Skittles and a can of iced tea?

As damning as it was for it to take 44 days for Zimmerman to be arrested, there was a part of my heart that wasn't completely surprised. When you grow up black in America, you've been to this rodeo before.

Maybe you know about the Red Summer of 1919. Perhaps you heard Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" playing on your grandmother's record player or heard your mother speaking in sorrowful, hushed tones about Emmett Till, about the Little Rock Nine, the Birmingham church bombings--about all the stories of the civil rights movement. Or maybe you came home one night and saw a video of Rodney King being beaten on your evening news. You might've seen Los Angeles burn after the police officers who broke King's body with their nightsticks walked free. Maybe you lived in New York City when Amadou Diallo was murdered, or perhaps you frequented the Fruitvale Station where Oscar Grant was shot by a transit cop.

You know the local stories that never make the national news. Those are shared when your aunties come over, when you're at church, and when you're at the barber shop or beauty shop, getting your hair done. You see yourself in those stories. You see people you know in those stories. You see your own children in those stories.

I've seen my black male relatives and friends followed around stores, denied jobs, and told apartments are already rented when they're not. I've seen them have to learn the nuances of what to do when they're approached by law enforcement. I've been in the car with them when they get pulled over and questioned for having expired city stickers or license plates, which are not actually expired. Tail lights which are supposedly out when the cops pull you over but then they magically work after they've run your ID.

This past year in sixth grade, my 12-year-old was pegged as the scary black aggressor after he punched a white kid. The kid was always getting in trouble for misbehaving, had a history of harassing my son, calling him racial names and swearing at him, and then made the mistake of pulling my son's shorts down in gym class, which pushed my son over the edge. I sat in a school counselor's office boiling as the white child cried that my son had been intimidating him and that he was scared of him, and oh, my son pulled down this kid's shorts first. The white child's version of what happened was being given credence until I threatened to go to the LAPD and file a hate crime and sexual harassment complaint against the other kid.

"I am Trayvon Martin" isn't just a slogan on a t-shirt for us.

My son, Mr. O, is nearly 5' 2" and this summer I've had to tell him, I don't care if you're going to get bored shopping with me or if you feel better having Superman in your pocket, you can NOT take an action figure you already own into Target because it will probably be assumed that you shoplifted it.

Liberty and justice for all? Liberty and justice becomes at least you get to have an action figure at all. Like every other black person I know, I have no choice but to accept the reality of living in an America that has a dehumanized vision of blackness as part of its foundation. I do myself and my sons a disservice if I refuse to admit that this country is good at facilitating inequality which creates policies, laws, and cultural practices that lead to the subjugation, incarceration, and murder of black males.

I don't have to like the way things are. I can fight against the "system" and work to change it--I tell my sons that the reason they are getting an education is that they can learn to solve the problems in our society, so they're equipped to dismantle this system and replace it with true justice and equality. I tell them that they have to be unwavering advocates for racial unity, the people who are friends with people from all backgrounds--and I'm talking true friendships, not just casual acquaintances. But they also have to learn to function in a society that is sick with racism at its spiritual core, because the alternative is to lose your mind when the racism slaps you in the face with a not guilty verdict.

A dear friend asked me earlier today, "How do you talk to your boys about the verdict?" and yet another wondered, "What conversations can we have with our children about this?"

My son's were out watching Superman with their dad and with friends of theirs when the verdict came in. I texted my husband so he could tell them the verdict on the way home. They'd watched some of the trial with me, and we've had countless conversations about racism in America and what happened to Trayvon Martin.

When you're an adult, an unidentified adult male stalking you in the dark is scary. When you're a kid, it's absolutely terrifying. My sons knew that the adult, Zimmerman, was the aggressor from the very beginning, and so they had an unshakeable conviction that Zimmerman would be found guilty. My sons were easily able to put themselves in Trayvon's shoes.  A jury of six women, who have probably been followed by a scary, stalkerish man at some point in their lives, was not.

As my 12-year-old walked in the house over an hour after the verdict had been read, I hugged him tight, and he whispered to me, "I'm so sorry for Trayvon, mom." I broke down sobbing on his shoulder because as much as I have tried to give him a childhood full of innocence, he has never had the luxury of innocence about race.

No, I don't shield these horrific incidences from my sons because they can't afford to think about the systematic impact of racism only when it's national news. Sure, some of us are busy patting ourselves on the back for electing a black President—in much the same way that some folks must've claimed America's race problem was "fixed" after Mississippi elected its first black Senator in 1870.  But in your post-racial America, part of the ritual of them learning to survive as a black male in America is getting real clear that but for the grace of God, you might be shot by someone like George Zimmerman. My sons have to understand what can happen to them because of other people seeing the world through their "black people are scary" glasses.

Indeed, Zimmerman told the police dispatcher, "These assholes always get away." I can burn all of my sons' hoodies, tell them to dress like they just walked out of an LL Bean catalog, and tell them to only play Vampire Weekend on their iPods, but in Zimmerman's world, and for too many other Americans, my sons are "those assholes" no matter what they do, and it's all because of the color of their skin.

I couldn't sleep last night and my sons couldn't sleep either. "Did that court really let that guy who killed Trayvon go free?" asked my 9-year-old several times. "Yep, it did," I replied. He seemed more shocked, and more deflated, every time I told him yes.

At 1:30 AM, my 12-year-old came out to where I was sitting on the couch and sat on my lap. "Why can't you sleep?" I asked him. "I don't know. Just bothered, I guess," he replied. He's big but I held him and rocked him like he was a little baby till he began to doze off. 

Yes, it makes me feel insane to have to have that conversation about action figures. It makes me feel insane that we've had the "should you run or stand up for yourself in this situation?" conversation. It makes me feel insane to have to explain that when the police are following you, keep your hands out of your pockets and don't dig around in your backpack. It makes me feel insane that I have to tell him the same things my parents told me--you will have to work twice as hard as your white peers because you will always be perceived as a problem, as lazy, as inarticulate, as not the right fit for our organizational culture. And now you need to be afraid of the average person, too. 

But nothing I feel right now can come close to what I know Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin must be feeling, and I know they need more than our collective anger. And so last night through my tears, I signed another petition. This one came from the NAACP asking the Justice Department to open a civil rights case against George Zimmerman.Sign it, but know that there is more to be done. Sixteen months after Trayvon Martin was murdered, the man who shot him is out on the street again with his gun. There is more to be done. 
by Liz Dwyer 
http://www.losangelista.com/2013/07/thank-you-post-racial-america-for.html

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                                                         Trayvon Martin Verdict Illustrates Need to Speak Out About Racial Bias        

By Richard Cohen, President - The following  statement was issued by Richard Cohen, President and CEO of the Southern Poverty Law Center, following the verdict in State of Florida v. George Zimmerman:  
"They always get away." These were the words George Zimmerman uttered as he followed and later shot Trayvon Martin -- words that reflected his belief that Trayvon was one of "them," the kind of person about to get away with something.  How ironic these words sound now in light of the jury verdict acquitting Zimmerman. 

Trayvon is dead, and Zimmerman is free.  Who was the one who got away? Can we respect the jury verdict and still conclude that Zimmerman got away with killing Trayvon?  I think so, even if we buy Zimmerman's story that Trayvon attacked him at some point.  After all, who was responsible for initiating the tragic chain of events?  Who was following whom?  Who was carrying a gun?  Who ignored the police urging that he stay in his car?  Who thought that the other was one of "them," someone about to get a away with something?

The jury has spoken, and we can respect its conclusion that the state did not prove its case beyond a reasonable doubt.  But we cannot fail to speak out about the tragedy that occurred in Sanford, Florida, on the night of February 26, 2012.

Was race at the heart of it?  Ask yourself this question:  If Zimmerman had seen a white youth walking in the rain that evening, would he have seen him as one of "them," someone about to get away with something?  

We'll never really know, of course.  But we can seriously doubt it without assuming that Zimmerman is a racist in the conventional sense of the word.
  
Racial bias reverberates in our society like the primordial Big Bang.  Jesse Jackson made the point in a dramatic way when he acknowledged that he feels a sense of relief when the footsteps he hears behind him in the dead of night turn out to belong to white feet.  Social scientists who study our hidden biases make the same point in a more sober way with statistics that demonstrate that we are more likely to associate black people with negative words and imagery than we are white people. It's an association that devalues the humanity of black people, particularly black youth like Trayvon Martin. George Zimmerman probably saw race the night of February 26, 2012,  just like so many of us probably would have. Had he not, Trayvon probably would be alive today.

The jury has spoken.  Now, we must speak out against the racial bias that still infects our society and distorts our perception of the world.  And we must do something about it.

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EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

Way back in the day, before wi-fi, tablets and smart phones, kids spent most of their free time playing outdoors, collecting worms, jumping rope, playing hopscotch, batman, princess, baseball, etc. It is a whole new world now. Kids still do these things, but now there’s the added dimension of electronic devices to fill their spare time. In fact, it is said, that if you want help with your computer, go ask a 9 year old.

As the digital age is upon us, it requires that we respectfully learn from the children: not only how to operate these devices, but (respectfully) understand that these digital gadgets are very important in their daily lives. It is also important for the great-grandchildren to respectfully teach us how to use the devices the way they use them, so that we’re all on the same page. Now is the time that they can be our teachers.

When we care for our great-grandchildren, we find ways to keep the children occupied, but also often need some time for ourselves, just to re-group. We plan age appropriate activities based on the number of children in our care (one is very different than more than one).When the child are busy playing and satisfied, it can seem like Nirvana. But, when they get bored and in the case of more than one, start to argue, other plans are needed. How many times do we reach for the smart phone or the tablet so they can play Angry Birds, turn on the TV, etc. just so that we can catch our breath?

Should we feel guilty about this? We don’t think so, after all, life is about moderation. So, as in life, boundaries need to be set and followed, and supervision is imperative.

We often see adults using digital devices to pacify children while waiting for service at a restaurant, in line for a movie, or just sitting at the park. While we sympathize with using a digital device to keep the children occupied, there may be other ways to engage children while they wait: books, crayons, hangman, tic-tac-toe, hidden word search, etc.

In Order to Make Life Easier, Plan Ahead- At Home and Away

• Have some age appropriate programs saved on your TV for the children to watch. Monitor the amount of time in front of the TV. If it’s a long movie, break it up into smaller time increments.

• Be prepared to watch TV with your great-grandchild, especially if they are young.

• Ask the parents to suggest 4-5 computer games that they allow their children to use. Also ask them to suggest 4-5 “game apps” that they feel are ok, and not violent.

• Negotiate with the children, the amount of time they should be able to use these devices in your home and your car. Remember this is your space, and you are the final decision maker for these rules. The allotted time can be spaced out over the afternoon, the weekend or the time the children will be with you.

• If you leave the house, have a “survival kit” ready to go, with crayons, paper, books to read and/or to be read to, deck of cards (for “go fish”, “crazy eights”, “war”, etc.) or other things that will keep the children occupied.

• Brush up on “rock, paper, scissors”, tic-tac-toe, and other children’s games.

• Keep age appropriate books, magazines, maps, binoculars, a compass and other fun things in your car for travel time.

Enjoy your time with your great-grandchildren, prepare ahead and make time for yourself. And when you need to, get out that handy-dandy Smartphone.

SPRING INTO PLANTING

Spring has finally sprung, in most of the country. Now is a great time to share some “growing fun” with your great-grandchildren.

Children are always fascinated with watching how one thing can turn into something else. Here are a few spring growing ideas, which you can do indoors and or outdoors with your family. And if you grow enough, perhaps there’s a healthy meal or two at the end of the experience.***

INDOOR BEAN MAGIC
The most basic way to watch plants grow is to get a few dried: lima beans, black beans, pinto beans, etc. Use a large mouthed, shallow (not too deep or tall) clear glass jar (jam, small mayonnaise jar, baby food, etc.). Have a bag of small cotton balls or paper towels handy. With your great-grandchild, choose 2 or 3 beans for each jar. Roll the paper towel or bunch up the cotton balls. Wet them and stuff tightly into the jar. Wedge the bean seeds between the side of the jar and the paper. Then add enough water to cover the bottom of the jar, and viola, you have an instant bean garden. Children can watch the water being absorbed, the root system develop and finally leaves being produced. You can also document the growth with a camera/phone, tape measure, or a stick, and keep track of how long it takes.

Be sure to keep the cotton/paper damp, and the jar in a sunny window. After it has grown too large for the jar, you can transfer the bean plant to a pot with soil, and put it outside with adequate sun and water.

If you’re a long distance great-grandparent, you can share this simple activity. Mail dried beans with written instructions enclosed, to your great-grandchildren. Engage the help of the parents to replicate this project, and then share the steady growth via photos. You both can commit to taking photos, each day, at approximately the same time, and either post them online, or email them to each other.

OUTDOOR CONTAINER GARDENING

Vegetables such as carrots, radishes and lettuce, or crops that bear fruits over a long period of time, such as tomatoes and peppers, are perfect for outdoor container gardens. Depending onthe amount of space available, the size of the containers, and what your family enjoys eating, you can make some choices on what to plant. Containers can be made of: terra cotta, pressed fiber, plastic, galvanized steel, wood, etc., or something that you’ve made yourself with your grandchildren. Many decorative ceramic pots are pretty, but have no drainage holes, and the holes are necessary for success. You’ll also need a container that is at least 12” deep, and at least 12” wide. Basically, the bigger the container, and the more room you give the plants, the better the outcome.

Those of you who more purist gardeners may want to start from seed, but others, may buy small plants from the local nursery, or you can do both. Either way, you need a good potting soil, preferably one for veggies.

PLANT A SALAD
Start with: 1 or 2 cherry tomato plants, some small lettuces, and some basil and chives in a large container (about 30” diameter). They grow well together and have the same water and sun requirements. By late summer they might not be very pretty, but they'll keep producing into the fall. In another container of about the same size, plant a row of carrot seeds and radish seeds. Follow the directions on the seed packages, and water as needed. Be sure all containers get enough sunlight, drainage and water. You should be able to start picking some of the lettuces and basil soon, and eventually the rest will be on your table.

Watching nature at work, is very fulfilling, just as it is to watch your great-grandchildren develop and mature. Enjoy the spring weather, the planting and the yummy salad.


*** Just an FYI.  We are IDEA people, NOT master gardeners, so if you need more helpful information, please check with your local nursery, bookstore or online.

WE CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE OUR WAY

While we often don’t know how OUR children handle conflicts with their children, when we’re with our great-grandchildren, challenges require the delicate art of finding the middle ground. Everyone has a different ways of finding solutions to contentious issues. As the adults, it is important to remember that we are always in charge of the children’s safety, however, in many situations there is some room for negotiation. Life would certainly be a bit less stressful and more peaceful if we all learned to give up something in order to get something else.

In order to accomplish this, adults and children must: Listen to each other and respect what the other is saying. Often, disagreements about what time to go to bed, what to wear, what outing to go on, etc. can turn into loud yelling matches, where nothing positive gets accomplished, and the aftermath can leave everyone with bad feelings.

There are some things that absolutely CANNOT be debated or challenged: car safety, behavior in public places, going to school, etc. (You can make your own list).

Children need to feel that they have some options over their actions and lives. By giving them choices they may feel that they are “respected” and have some control.

For example:
Sarah wants to choose what to wear to the family gathering. You suggest two warm outfits with matching leggings. She says, “NO, Mom always let’s me choose what I want to wear and I want to wear the sundress”. You might explain that she’ll be cold without the leggings. She’s insistent on her choices. You respect the parent’s guidelines, but tell her that if she chooses to wear what she wants, she must wear a warm jacket or sweater.
You are being responsible and respectful.

Here’s another example of a mutually agreeable outcome to a common problem.
Anthony has come for a sleep-over at your house. You know that his normal bedtime is 8:30pm. It’s after dinner, and he starts asking if he can stay up late and watch “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” which will keep him up past his bedtime. You suggest that he watch it in the morning, but he’s not buying that. So you ask him to think about another way of solving the problem. He says, “Can I watch half tonight and half tomorrow?”
This is the perfect compromise – it’s not breaking any family rules and is showing that you respect his suggestion.

We realize that things aren’t always this easy, but it does illustrate ways to make our lives easier. We can not go through life always having our way. We can enhance our lives by negotiating with those we love. Negotiation and compromise doesn’t mean losing the battle: It means that constructive bargaining replaces yelling, temper tantrums and not resolving the issue. When children are allowed to negotiate, sometimes they will make choices that work, and other times they will learn from their mistakes. This is called growing up.

HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN...AGAIN???

It is with great sadness that we repost this article that we have now posted two times...once as recently as August of this year.  The horrible, ghastly, unconscionable events at Sandy Hook School make us reflect on our children, great-grandchildren, family, friends and the inexcusable violence that exists in our world.  Our keyboard is wet with tears, as we "click" to "post" this once again. We hope to NEVER have to repost this again!!!!  

Recently it was Colorado, then Wisconsin and now Connecticut…where and when will it happen next???

The TV and newspapers are constantly full of images and discussions about very scary happenings: neighborhood shootings, floods, droughts, children starving, wars much more. While some of our great-grandchildren may be too young to read about it or actually watch it on TV, they certainly can hear us all talk about these terrible, frightening tragedies. No matter the age, children sense our fears, anger and concerns, and even though they may not totally understand the specific incident, they internalize our feelings, overt or not…they can read us like an Ipad or Kindle. Their concerns often are displayed in their play and/or discussions with their peers.

Every generation has real dangers to worry about: AIDS, nuclear bombs, presidential assassinations, wars, etc. But it seems that this generation has it more vividly and immediately “in their face”…making it closer to home.

We’ve written about this topic in several venues, but still feel that the person with the BEST perspective was Fred Rogers. While some of our children and grandchildren may not be aware of his great contributions to children and families, we know that after reading this, you too, will be pleased to remember him with great respect. These words of advice apply to ANYONE involved with children.

Helping Children Deal with Tragic Events in the News: Timeless wisdom from Fred Rogers
During his lifetime, Fred Rogers became known for his reassuring way of helping families of young children deal with difficult times, beginning with his response to Robert Kennedy’s assassination. Over the years since then, there have, unfortunately, been other tragic events during which parents and educators turned to him for his calming and thoughtful insight. Fred Rogers’ wisdom is timeless, and his messages continue to be valuable for children and the people who care for them, as we deal with the events of today’s world.

In times of community or world-wide crisis, it’s easy to assume that young children don’t know what’s going on. But one thing’s for sure, children are very sensitive to how their parents feel. They’re keenly aware of the expressions on their parents’ faces and the tone of their voices. Children sense when their parents are really worried, whether they’re watching the news or talking about it with others. No matter what children know about a crisis, it’s especially scary for them to realize that their parents are scared.

Who will take care of me?
In times of crisis, children want to know, “Who will take care of me?” They’re dependent on adults for their survival and security. They’re naturally self-centered. They need to hear very clearly that their parents are doing all they can to take care of them and to keep them safe. They also need to know that people in the government, in their community and in the world, and other people they don’t even know, are working hard to keep them safe, too.

Helping children feel more secure
Play is one of the important ways young children have of dealing with their concerns. But, even playing about the news can be scary and sometimes unsafe. So adults need to be nearby to redirect that kind of play into nurturing themes, such as a hospital for the wounded or a pretend meal for emergency workers. When children are scared and anxious, they might become more dependent, clingy, and afraid to go to bed at night. Whining, aggressive behavior, or toilet accidents may be their way of asking for more comfort from the important adults in their lives. Little by little, as we adults around them become more confident, hopeful and secure, our children probably will, too.

Scary, confusing images
The way that news is presented on television can be quite confusing for a young child. The same video segment may be shown over and over again through the day, as if each showing was a different event. Someone who has died turns up alive and then dies again and again. Children often become very anxious since they don’t understand much about videotaped replays, close-ups, and camera angles. Any televised danger seems close to home to them because the tragic scenes are taking place on the television set right in their own living room. Children can’t tell the difference between what’s close and what’s far away... what’s real and what’s pretend... or what’s new and what’s re-run. The younger the children are, the more likely they are to be interested in the typical news scenes of close-up faces, particularly if the people are expressing strong feelings. When there’s tragic news, the images on TV are most often much too graphic and too disturbing for young children.

Turn off the TV
When there’s something tragic in the news, many parents get concerned about what and how to tell their children. It’s even harder than usual if we’re struggling with our own powerful feelings about what has happened. Adults may be somewhat surprised that their own reactions to a televised crisis are so strong, but great loss and devastation in the news often reawaken our own earlier losses and fears... even some we thought we have “forgotten.” It’s easy to allow ourselves to get drawn into watching televised news of a crisis for hours and hours; however, exposing ourselves to so many tragedies can make us feel hopeless, insecure, and even depressed. We help our children—and ourselves—if we’re able to limit our own television viewing. Our children need us to spend time with them—away from the frightening images on the screen.

Talking and listening
Even if we wanted to, it would be impossible to give our children all the reasons for such things as war, terrorists, abuse, murders, fires, hurricanes, and earthquakes. If they ask questions, our best answer may be to ask them, ”What do you think happened?” If the answer is, “I don’t know,” then the simplest reply might be something like, ”I’m sad about the news, and I’m worried. But I love you, and I’m here to care for you.” If we don’t let children know it’s okay to feel sad and scared, they may try to hide those feelings or think something is wrong with them whenever they do feel that way. They certainly don’t need details of what’s making us sad or scared, but if we can help them accept their own feelings as natural and normal, their feelings will be much more manageable for them. Angry feelings are also part of being human, especially when we feel powerless. One of the most important messages we can give our children is,”It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hurt ourselves or others.” Besides giving children the right to their anger, we can encourage them to find constructive things to do with their feelings. This way, we’ll be giving them useful tools that will serve them all their life and help them to become the world’s future peacemakers... ...the world’s future “helpers.”

Fred Rogers often told this story about when he was a boy and would see scary things on the news: “My mother would say to me, ’Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers—so many caring people in this world.”

Helpful hints
• Do your best to keep the television off, or at least limit how much your child sees of any news event.

• Try to keep yourself calm. Your presence can help your child feel more secure.

• Give your child extra comfort and physical affection, like hugs or snuggling up together with a favorite book. Physical comfort goes a long way towards providing security. That closeness can nourish you, too.

• Try to keep regular routines as normal as possible. Children and adults count on familiar patterns of everyday life.

• Plan something that you and your child can enjoy together, like taking a walk or going on a picnic, having some quiet time together or doing something silly. It can help to know there are simple things in life that can help us feel better, both in good times and in bad.

• Even if children don’t mention what they’ve seen or heard in the news, it can help to ask what they think has happened. If parents don’t bring up the subject, children can be left with their misinterpretations. You may be surprised at how much your child has heard from others.

• Focus attention on the helpers, like the police, firemen, doctors, nurses, paramedics and volunteers. It’s reassuring to know there are many caring people who are doing all they can to help in this world.

• Let your child know if you’re making a donation or going to a meeting, writing a letter or e-mail of support, or taking some other action. It can help children know that adults take many different active roles...and that we don’t give in to helplessness in time of crisis.

Fred

We encourage you to LISTEN to your great-grandchildren for cues about their anxiety. Children need to know that EVERYONE has fears…but using some of these timeless and time-tested ideas, can help mitigate the intensity.

With deep sadness,
Laurie and June



This material is excerpted with the permission of Family Communications, Inc., from The Mister Rogers Parenting Book. Family communications is the nonprofit company founded by Fred Rogers to produce Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and a wide variety of material for and about children. The company continues to support Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood in its national broadcast on PBS and to expand Fred Rogers’ legacy in new directions.For more information on Family Communications and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, visit their website at www.fci.org. Text copyright 2004 Family Communications, Inc

ONCE MORE WITH FEELING

As with the calendar, our blogs over the years always seem to come around to the holidays and the perils and pleasures they bring (see: Ho Ho Hum http://grandparentingplus.blogspot.com/2009/12/ho-ho-hum-they-say-that-during-winter.html). The holidays are usually hard work, but they can also be fun. You may be chosen to be the caregiver(s) of the grand/great grandchildren while there is school vacation and parents are at work. As we have said many times it means you need to take care of yourself in order to handle all the extra errands, activities, and stresses of the holidays. You have a better chance of enjoying the season and your family if you are in good health (have you had your flu shot?) and plan ahead.

Eat Sensibly and Take Care of Yourself

This is not the time to skimp on sleep or turn to junk foods. They are an unhealthy and expensive solution. Plan ahead by cooking meals that can be made in double batches, such as stews, soups, and casseroles. Freeze the second batch, add a salad, and you'll have a nutritious meal ready to serve.

If you need to buy gifts try to shop by yourself. It really does go faster and there’s less stress. Protect yourself from overdoing things. It doesn't do anything for your disposition, your family, or your work to feel over-committed and under-appreciated.

Make Lists and Set Limits
If you've got a long list of adults and children to buy gifts for, make a list for adults, and another for the children. If the list of adults is too long, think about drawing names so that each adult buys only one item and gets only one item. That way the gift giving ritual can be more appropriately focused on the kids.

Keep in mind that advertisers target your great/grandchildren, who will want everything that is marketed to them. However, it’s a good idea for you to make a list and a holiday spending budget, and stick to it. Remember to check with the parents as to what is OK and what is off-limits.

If you decide to make purchases online, be aware of the expensive shipping costs, especially when you have waited to order closer to the holiday. However, many online sites offer free shipping (with a minimum purchase) and you might find it more effective than dealing with driving or using public transportation to a mall.

The Holiday Spirit
The holidays are a good time to help your great/grand children understand the importance of sharing with those in need. Think about the gifts that the children can make and give: cards, gift wrapping, baking cookies, etc. There are many charities that collect toys, food and clothes for those who are less fortunate or have survived a disaster. Check with the parents about possible gifts the children can make or give to deliver to a charity of their or your choice. Police and Fire Stations are also very thankful for homemade goodies the children can make.

Also, kids are NEVER too young to write or draw “Thank-You” notes. Have some blank card/paper ready to go, for the younger kids, and ask them to draw a “thank-you picture”. The older children can write a short “thank-you” note. The cards go a long way: children learn some basic courtesy skills, and the recipient of the card feels gratified.

Children Shopping For Others
If you become the person in charge of helping the children buy for others, we still like the $.99 Store solution that we have touted before for Mothers’ Day (see: 99 Cents for Mother’s Day http://grandparentingplus.blogspot.com/2012_05_01_archive.html). Another idea would be to take your phone/camera, or have the parents take a phone/camera, to a toy store, sporting goods store, animal shelter or other favorite places to purchase gifts, and have the children take pictures of what each one “could not live without”. Be sure each photo shows the shelf price and name of the item. When finished, you’ll have a “virtual catalog”, which you can share with other family members who need to buy gifts. You may even be able to find the same things online or cheaper at other stores, if you have the time and inclination to bargain shop. Again, make sure to check out all the children’s choices with the parents, before buying anything.

Have Sensible Expectations
If the family will be spending extended time at your home during these days, have some pre-planned activities to do with the children. (see: A Few Of Our Favorite Things http://grandparentingplus.blogspot.com/2010_11_01_archive.html), Above all, remember, some of the stress at this time of year can come from trying to do too much. Make this a time to share with your family and friends, by planning, prioritizing and being kind to yourself.

  Hallelujah, Felicidades and don’t eat too many latkes!

PS. If you want to go back and look at other blog we’ve written regarding holidays and gifts, see:

HOMEMADE FUN: http://grandparentingplus.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

THE FLU AND YOU: http://grandparentingplus.blogspot.com/2009/11/flu-and-you.html

GIFTS, MORE GIFTS AND EVEN MORE GIFTS…                                                             http://grandparentingplus.blogspot.com/2009/11/birthday-parties-gifts.html

HANDLING HALLOWEEN CANDY

One of the biggest issues facing families at Halloween time is how to deal with all that candy! Aaron Flores, Laurie's son and June's grandson, has written a very poignant article that we're delighted to share with you. As a registered dietician and the father of 5 year old twins, we feel Aaron has hit the "nail on the head". Although written for parents, this timely piece offers universal family suggestions. Enjoy!!!

No other holiday tests our parenting skills more than the issue of how we handle candy on Halloween. But as with many of our current holiday traditions, Halloween and candy haven't always been linked together like they are now. Halloween was originally a Celtic harvest holiday and was brought to the United States with the 19th Century Irish immigrants. As the holiday evolved, kids began to trick-or-treat and until the 1950's trick-or-treat'ers were more likely to get non-food related booty, like coins, pencils and other trinkets rather than candy. It was not until candy manufacturers started to market candy as a way to boost revenues that sweets became synonymous with Halloween.



Whole Foods Store

 


Rite-Aid Store

 

                              

To illustrate just how much emphasis candy companies put on Halloween I took my 5 year old son along to check out two very different stores: Whole Foods Market and Rite-Aid Drug Store. It's pretty shocking to see the stark difference between them.





When we think of all the candy that kids might get for Halloween the first thing we think about is all the sugar that our kids are going to eat. Unfortunately, the sugar is the least of our worries. Sadly, it's the artificial food colorings and trans-fat that is pervasive in many of these foods that we should be concerned with. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) published a great report on the risks of artificial colorings in 2010 called, "A Rainbow of Risks". You should definitely read it and you might reconsider buying M&M's.

Despite all the horrible things in candy, for me as a parent and as a dietitian the biggest issue during Halloween is how I approach and handle my kids' candy intake. If you follow my blog (www.BVMRD.com) you know that I believe in a non-diet approach to eating. I am a believer in Intuitive Eating and I apply these principles to my clients and also to my family. The other philosophy that fits nicely with Intuitive Eating are some of the theories on feeding children from Ellyn Satter. When I decided to write about eating and Halloween, Satter was the resource that I knew I had to include and thankfully she addressed the topic both in her book and in her website: "Halloween candy presents a learning opportunity. Work toward having your child be able to manage his own stash. For him to learn, you will have to keep your interference to a minimum. When he comes home from trick or treating, let him lay out his booty, gloat over it, sort it and eat as much of it as he wants. Let him do the same the next day. Then have him put it away and relegate it to meal- and snack-time: a couple of small pieces at meals for dessert and as much as he wants for snack time." (From EllynSatter.com The Sticky Topic of Halloween Candy, Family Meals Focus #30 on 10/22/08)

I know you are reading this and saying, "Are you serious?", or maybe, "Oh hell no, I am not going to let my child dive head first into a full bucket of a candy." But hear me (and Satter for that matter) out. By allowing your child to have the freedom to learn to manage their own candy instead of you controlling it will allow him or her to develop a sense of trust around food. If your child breaks this trust, you can take the candy away until they demonstrate that they can handle it. The goal is to let your child build confidence and self-reliance around listening to their internal cues of hunger and fullness. If this method still seems too extreme for you, try to modify it, but the key is for you not to interfere with what they choose or how much of it they eat. The hope is that the relationship your child develops with food and sweets is based on their own internal cues and not on restriction.

One important thing to remember is that the best way we teach our children is though modeling our behaviors. If we call food "junk," "bad" or "garbage," our kids will pick up on that. Conversely, if our children see us having a healthy relationship with candy, the chances are that they will develop the same attitude. Be aware of how you handle candy because that will affect you child's behaviors. These are just some of the concepts that are discussed at length in the new edition of Intuitive Eating in which the authors devote a whole chapter on raising Intuitive Eaters. I highly recommend you read it.

Don't think of Halloween as a power struggle between you and your children. If they are old enough explain to them what your plan is. If they are too young to understand, try explaining your rules for Halloween so they know what to expect.

Halloween is just one day but feeding a child and raising an Intuitive Eater is the foundation for healthy eating for a lifetime. Here are some simple things you can do:

1) Don’t restrict dessert. Make it a part of regular meals and try serving it with all the other things during dinner time.

2) Try to refer to food in non-judgmental terms. Take out the “good” vs. “bad” so that kids don’t feel guilty for eating “junk.” Try using terms like "play food" vs. "growing food."

3) Divide responsibility. It’s your job as a parent to provide balanced, nutritious meals with a variety of play foods. It’s your child’s job to eat.

4) Don’t be a short-order cook.

5) Trust in your child’s innate abilities. Children know how much food they need so allow them the freedom to choose how much to eat. Overall, they will choose foods that help them grow and most of all they’ll develop a healthy relationship with food.

As always, I look forward to reading your comments.
Aaron Flores, RD
Website: www.bvmrd.com
Blog: http://bvmrd.blogspot.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/BVMRD