SAYING GOODBYE

Our family recently suffered a terrible personal loss, when our dad/husband, Sam Sale, died in April.  We have a terrifically close family, and while we all gathered around him, and said goodbye, it gave us pause as to how the great/grandchildren would react. Sam was an integral part of his grand and great-grandchildren’s lives. He was loving, supportive, generous and an example of what a grand and great-grandparent could be.  

Our great/grandchildren saw that Sam was failing, and they had many questions, which we and their parents answered truthfully, and according to our individual beliefs about death. We all feel that death is part of life. They saw him struggle with his deteriorating health, but observed us all being loving and attentive to his needs.  Some of the children gave him pictures that they had drawn, etc.  He was embraced by the whole family until the very end. When he died, the great/grandchildren also saw how our family came together to openly mourn and support each other. They experienced our family ritual.

Each member of our family took some responsibility to prepare for a funeral and reception two days after Sam's death.  After a discussion with the parents, we decided that the great/grandchildren, ages 6 through 8, should attend the funeral and reception.  Because of their closeness to Sam, and because the eulogies were going to be given by their fathers, grandmother and great uncle, we knew they would see firsthand, how love is expressed.  The chapel was full to overflowing, so they were also able to experience the friendship and respect for their great-grandfather that existed outside of the family. Although the service was largely secular, we did follow some Jewish traditions. It was very touching that one of the great/grandchildren picked a dandelion from the nearby grass, and placed it on top of the closed casket.  It remained there throughout the burial. The tears flowed. 

It is now 2 months since we said goodbye to Sam, and the great/grandchildren still reference him in caring and loving ways…recalling details of his favorite things, as referenced in the eulogies, as well as honoring his past presence at the dining-room table, etc.

 

We all have our way of honoring the dead.  Every culture, every family, every individual will deal with death in their own way.  When your family must face this inevitable occurrence, here are some questions, regarding the great/grandchildren, that you many want to ask yourselves and your family.

·   How will you answer questions about death and dying?

·   How well did the children know the deceased?

·   What will the impact be, if you decide on an open-casket?

·   What are your expectations of the children’s attention span at a funeral?

·   Do you want the children to actually speak or participate in the funeral?

·   Are you prepared for the children’s reactions?  Some may get silly, some very sad, but both are ok. 

However you and your family choose to go through this experience, remember that children are unique and may have questions that continue for many years. Be open to their ongoing questions, reactions and behavior. 

THERE IS AN OLD SAYING: "IT'S NOT IF YOU WIN OR LOSE, IT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME."

These days you can turn on the TV, and every evening you’ll find a reality type show, where people are encouraged to “rat each other out”, play nasty tricks on their competitors, lie and connive, all in the name of winning (albeit for a lot of money and proving they are “number one”). We’re not criticizing the desire to be “number one”, to win, or the wish to make a lot of money…we’re merely asking, “at what expense”?

Before you read any further, we want to make it clear that we feel that competing and winning are not bad…it’s just the way one goes about playing or getting to the winner’s circle, that has us concerned.

These reality programs are set up for people to be mean to each other. Children often watch these reality shows as a family activity.  Often they take delight in watching one team or contestant pull ahead by doing some not so “kosher” things. As adults, we hope we have the capability to recognize what is fair, correct and moral, but children, especially the younger ones, can’t always make that distinction.

Winning at all costs is not only an issue in reality TV, but it is ubiquitous in the entertainment we seek in some professional sports.

Within families there can be different views on the issue of what is entertainment. Take for example, watching professional boxing, football and/or hockey. Boxing may be exciting and gripping for some family members, but for others it is a “blood sport”.  Boxing was set up to physically hurt someone else in order to win.  What is the message to the children?  Football and hockey were not originally as violent as they are now. These professional sports were once considered rough, but now have become almost brutal. When money is at issue, the rules change. Over time spectators have wanted and demanded to see more physicality.  This kind of play often results in serious mental and physical damage for the players. The teams are playing for so much money and stature that we have come to accept the violence as part of the sport. How many times have you heard, “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out”? 

As we sit here and write this, we have some questions about what children may learn watching programs where winning comes at the expense of hurting someone physically or emotionally. We agree that non-violent, team sports, where rules are established for protection, can be uplifting and fun. There is much to be learned playing as a team.  There are also some reality programs that show compassion and consideration to the competitors. When watching some of these above mentioned programs perhaps there is an opportunity to talk to your family about your and their feelings. Are the losers lesser people?  Is it important to always be a winner?  If I play tennis, play as well as I can and lose the set, am I diminished?  Or is losing part of learning?  We’re interested to hear your take is on this issue.  Please let us know.

THIS "BEARS" REPEATING!!!

We read this wonderful article in the Huffington Post in Oct. 2013, and we thought it "beared repeating".  Rabbi Carr Reuben's profound piece is a "must read" for great-grandparents, grandparents, parents and caregivers. What wise words to start off the New Year!!!   We want to thank the Rabbi for allowing us to "repeat" this.    

                           

                                      

                                                                                                                

Most of the Time 'Good Enough' Really Is! by Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben 

I had a very challenging childhood. My biological father died of a heart attack  when I was four years old and somewhere deep inside I decided that nothing is really ever  totally safe, or secure. So perhaps it wasn't such a surprise, that, even though my mom remarried an amazing man who adopted me and my sister and has been my blessing of a father my entire life to this very day, some traumas just never go away.

I also had a rocky beginning when it came to fitting in and being successful at school. I quit my first pre-school because I was being bullied by kids who wouldn't let me play on the jungle gym. Then I was kicked out of my next pre-school because I was caught writing on my desk. Then I enrolled in elementary school and my parents were promptly informed by my teacher that I "failed' nap because I couldn't even sit still, let alone actually lie down for any length of time without talking. In Kindergarten my teacher was so frustrated with my incessant talking that she put scotch tape over my mouth. Bullied, kicked out of school, failed nap, scotch tape over my mouth, and then I got to FIRST GRADE.

I was at Franklin Elementary from kindergarten through 6th grade and I recall the school having an awful lot of rules: "No running in the halls," "No talking unless you were on the playground," "Students were not allowed to be tardy to class." If you violated any one of these or the other million rules at Franklin, there were monitors that roamed the halls and playground just itching for the opportunity to give any student the dreaded "monitor slip." If you got one you had to present it to your teacher and if you got more than one in one day, you were sent to the principal's office.

I somewhat embarrassingly admit that perhaps the real high point of my entire elementary school career was the fact that I, little "Stevie Reuben," held the Franklin Elementary School record for amassing the most monitor slips ever given in one day -- 23! 

Every single year, every single teacher magically seemed to know MY name by the end of the very first day of school in the fall. Always. And my report cards? I remember them ALL to this very day. Why? Every single report card had the same words written by nearly every single teacher I ever had -- "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Reuben, I believe that Stevie has "a lot of potential." But, he is so easily distracted that so far he is clearly an underachiever."

Well, that was me for most of my life. At least my student life, and my student life was really a long time -- after high school, it was four years of college for a BA in Philosophy and a BA in Political Science at UC Davis, five years of graduate school to get a Masters in Hebrew Letters and become ordained as a rabbi at the Hebrew Union College in Jerusalem, Los Angeles and New York, a year and a half to get a Master's Degree in Education from USC, an internship to get Certification in Aging and Gerontology from the University of Georgia, and two years to get a Ph.D. in Religion from Sierra University in Costa Mesa.

So what's with all those degrees? Actually, I was never that great a student, I always just got by with grades that were "good enough." Not so many "A's" not so many "C's" or God-forbid, "D's," but enough "B's" to end high school with a solid "B" average which at the time was "good enough" to get into college. Then I just kept doing "good enough" to move from one level of school to the next, set another goal and do "good enough" to move to the next level and on, and on, and on.

"Good enough" continued to be my personal theme throughout my entire academic career, and actually, throughout my professional career as well. As I grew into an adult, became a parent and a teacher, and sometimes even a mentor to others, I realized that one of the greatest lessons I have learned from the successes of my own life is that most of the time, good enough really is.

That is why I am sharing all of this in the first place. Even though I was never a really good student, and evidently was consistently an "underachiever" at least in the eyes of my teachers, somehow I figured out how at every turn, with every challenge, in every situation in which I found myself in school and ultimately in life itself, to do and to be "good enough." 

I started writing parenting books in 1987, and whenever I would be lecturing to groups of parents I would often begin by pointing to myself and simply saying, "This is what a hyperactive kid looks like when he grows up -- not perfect, but good enough." The renown psychologist Bruno Bettelheim's last book before he died was called simply, A Good Enough Parent. For Bettleheim, and for me, "Good enough" is just that -- good enough.

It's foolish to burden ourselves or our kids with expectations of being perfect, acting perfect, achieving everything, never missing a shot, making every goal, winning every trophy, being the best at everything, or any number of a hundred different totally unrealistic expectations we so easily slip into for ourselves, our spouses, our partners, our children, our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our friends, and even our rabbis.

No one has a stress-free life. No one gets out of this world without loss, without pain, without sorrow, without failing at one goal or another. So stop and think about all that we do and say every year that somehow validates the idea that each and every one of us is an underachiever in some way, with some relationships, in some setting -- work, or school, or family. Because that really describes every one of us. And so what? The quality of our lives is not a function of getting an "A" on the test, or coming in first at the awards ceremony, or having the fastest car, or the biggest house, or the coolest stuff.

Everyone has failures in life. It is never our failures that define us, but rather our resilience that is the measure of our true character. I know I have experienced pain and sorrow, the death of loved ones, the grief and sorrow of learning to let go, of disappointment after disappointment and yet all of it I now see as necessary elements that ultimately helped create the remarkable life I have been privileged to live.

I was married once and divorced. Having failed in my first marriage, I remember thinking, "What kind of rabbi gets divorced? What kind of role model is that for others?" But then I met and fell in love with Didi, my wife now of some 30 years, and I realized it was my resilience that was the true role model. I was rejected by the college where I first applied and felt like a loser when my second choice university accepted me instead. And then that college sent me to study in Jerusalem for my junior year, and the experience there changed my life and the direction of my career forever. It led me directly into the most fulfilling and remarkable years of my life.

The success of our lives is never dependent on being the best, or always winning, or never making mistakes. It is never about falling down, we all do that all the time. It is always about simply getting up again, dusting ourselves off, accepting every experience as a gift to be learned from, and remembering that most of the time good enough really is.

Life is filled with blessings and curses, but the kicker is, you can never tell for sure which is which. Our job is to grow our souls deeper each year, with every experience we share, with every loss, with every pain, with every joy, with every celebration, with every sorrow, with every tear -- every one of them is part of the building blocks of our lives and who we are is the result of every experience we have ever had. What matters most is never the circumstance or experiences of our lives alone, but the meaning we choose to ascribe to those experiences.

Ultimately, I believe the most important lessons we can learn about life are that it is up to us to fill every day with gratitude, with loving, with kindness, and enough meaning to remind us each day that what we say matters, what we do matters, and who we are matters most of all.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-steven-carr-reuben-phd/ 

HOLIDAYS MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE

Our great/grandchildren

Here are some quick thoughts about the upcoming holidays. In this spirit we present these ideas……
FOR A MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF PLEASURE AND A MINIMUM AMOUNT OF STRESS 

• Family is the most important part of the holiday season!
• Gifts and material things are for the moment, but caring is lasting.
• Children are often the focus of our giving, but caring for ourselves, our children, our family and friends is the best gift we can give. 

PLAN AHEAD  

• Be aware of your energy, money and stamina and spread them out through the holidays so that you have some of each left.
• Cook ahead of time and freeze.
• Don’t shop when you are tired: this helps cut down on impulse buying.
• Shop by phone, internet or catalog or make your own gifts at home.

DON’T OVERDO MATERIAL THINGS

• Discuss the original meaning of the holiday with your great/grandchildren.
• Let your great/grandchildren know what your values are so that their expectations are real.
• Gift giving can be a bottomless pit.  Make a list and then cut that in half.
• Emphasize the importance of people and not things.
• Don’t equate material gifts with love.

KEEP THINGS SAFE

• Check your tree, lights and wiring
• Practice extra precaution when cooking or making crafts

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

• Understand that holidays are a stressful time because of the many unusual demands, especially if you are away from your family or if you have large family gatherings.
• Eat properly and rest – the temptation is to eat fast foods and snacks.
• Treat yourself well and your children will be well.  Accidents happen more easily when you are tired or frustrated.
• Don’t try to be a super great/grandparent.  If you do half of what you planned, you’re probably doing too much.

GIVE AGE APPROPRIATE AND FUN GIFTS

• If gifts are inappropriate, your great/grandchildren may get frustrated and you may get angry because h/she does not meet your expectations.
• A rule of thumb is:  The younger the child, the bigger the toy parts
• “Educational” toys may be “un-educational” if they are not enjoyable.
• Buy and make things that can be used in various, imaginative ways 
• Buy and make safe and sturdy toys http://www.cpsc.gov/

Have a very healthy, safe, fun and peaceful holiday!

Until next year, 

HO HO HO,

Laurie & June

P.S. WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY ADVERTISING LINKS...WE HAVEN'T QUITE LEARNED HOW TO GET RID OF THEM. 

A THANKSGIVING GIVING

This year, we’ve come up with a “giving” idea we want to share.  This involves our four great/grandchildren, ages 8 and 7 year old brothers, and 6 year old boy/girl twins.

In addition to the regular Thanksgiving holiday hoopla, we’re adding a new way for the children to think about the world around them, without judging how they view it.   We feel it is important for children to be aware of the needs of others and begin to see how they can help. 

Each child will be given a personalized box with $25.00, made up of $5.00 bills.  They will become the owners and bankers of their own “trust account”.  Along with the box, they will be given a balance sheet type form to fill out, and written material that explains the needs of many different groups (charities).   

Since they are all quite computer savvy, they will be encouraged to look for charities that are of interest to them.  It will be their job to decide: if they want to give some or all of their money to these or other charities of their choice, or if they want to keep it to buy something for themselves or save it for another occasion. The only requirement is that they keep track of their expenditures on the enclosed form.  They will also be told that this “trust account” will be replenished every year at Thanksgiving.  Their parents will have to help by sending the actual contribution, as the kids don’t have checkbooks or credit cards, yet.

The most important part of this “giving” is: the parents are asked in advance and approve of this, and that NO JUDGEMENT or SHAME be attached if the child decides to keep the money for themselves.  Although this idea implies giving to others, sometimes the child can feel a "personal need”, and we should acknowledge and accept it.

So, watch out: United Way, United Jewish Welfare, Catholic and Christian Charities, ASPCA, ACLU, etc., etc., etc….we are building your future donor and board member list.