SAYING GOODBYE

Our family recently suffered a terrible personal loss, when our dad/husband, Sam Sale, died in April.  We have a terrifically close family, and while we all gathered around him, and said goodbye, it gave us pause as to how the great/grandchildren would react. Sam was an integral part of his grand and great-grandchildren’s lives. He was loving, supportive, generous and an example of what a grand and great-grandparent could be.  

Our great/grandchildren saw that Sam was failing, and they had many questions, which we and their parents answered truthfully, and according to our individual beliefs about death. We all feel that death is part of life. They saw him struggle with his deteriorating health, but observed us all being loving and attentive to his needs.  Some of the children gave him pictures that they had drawn, etc.  He was embraced by the whole family until the very end. When he died, the great/grandchildren also saw how our family came together to openly mourn and support each other. They experienced our family ritual.

Each member of our family took some responsibility to prepare for a funeral and reception two days after Sam's death.  After a discussion with the parents, we decided that the great/grandchildren, ages 6 through 8, should attend the funeral and reception.  Because of their closeness to Sam, and because the eulogies were going to be given by their fathers, grandmother and great uncle, we knew they would see firsthand, how love is expressed.  The chapel was full to overflowing, so they were also able to experience the friendship and respect for their great-grandfather that existed outside of the family. Although the service was largely secular, we did follow some Jewish traditions. It was very touching that one of the great/grandchildren picked a dandelion from the nearby grass, and placed it on top of the closed casket.  It remained there throughout the burial. The tears flowed. 

It is now 2 months since we said goodbye to Sam, and the great/grandchildren still reference him in caring and loving ways…recalling details of his favorite things, as referenced in the eulogies, as well as honoring his past presence at the dining-room table, etc.

 

We all have our way of honoring the dead.  Every culture, every family, every individual will deal with death in their own way.  When your family must face this inevitable occurrence, here are some questions, regarding the great/grandchildren, that you many want to ask yourselves and your family.

·   How will you answer questions about death and dying?

·   How well did the children know the deceased?

·   What will the impact be, if you decide on an open-casket?

·   What are your expectations of the children’s attention span at a funeral?

·   Do you want the children to actually speak or participate in the funeral?

·   Are you prepared for the children’s reactions?  Some may get silly, some very sad, but both are ok. 

However you and your family choose to go through this experience, remember that children are unique and may have questions that continue for many years. Be open to their ongoing questions, reactions and behavior. 

THERE IS AN OLD SAYING: "IT'S NOT IF YOU WIN OR LOSE, IT'S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME."

These days you can turn on the TV, and every evening you’ll find a reality type show, where people are encouraged to “rat each other out”, play nasty tricks on their competitors, lie and connive, all in the name of winning (albeit for a lot of money and proving they are “number one”). We’re not criticizing the desire to be “number one”, to win, or the wish to make a lot of money…we’re merely asking, “at what expense”?

Before you read any further, we want to make it clear that we feel that competing and winning are not bad…it’s just the way one goes about playing or getting to the winner’s circle, that has us concerned.

These reality programs are set up for people to be mean to each other. Children often watch these reality shows as a family activity.  Often they take delight in watching one team or contestant pull ahead by doing some not so “kosher” things. As adults, we hope we have the capability to recognize what is fair, correct and moral, but children, especially the younger ones, can’t always make that distinction.

Winning at all costs is not only an issue in reality TV, but it is ubiquitous in the entertainment we seek in some professional sports.

Within families there can be different views on the issue of what is entertainment. Take for example, watching professional boxing, football and/or hockey. Boxing may be exciting and gripping for some family members, but for others it is a “blood sport”.  Boxing was set up to physically hurt someone else in order to win.  What is the message to the children?  Football and hockey were not originally as violent as they are now. These professional sports were once considered rough, but now have become almost brutal. When money is at issue, the rules change. Over time spectators have wanted and demanded to see more physicality.  This kind of play often results in serious mental and physical damage for the players. The teams are playing for so much money and stature that we have come to accept the violence as part of the sport. How many times have you heard, “I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out”? 

As we sit here and write this, we have some questions about what children may learn watching programs where winning comes at the expense of hurting someone physically or emotionally. We agree that non-violent, team sports, where rules are established for protection, can be uplifting and fun. There is much to be learned playing as a team.  There are also some reality programs that show compassion and consideration to the competitors. When watching some of these above mentioned programs perhaps there is an opportunity to talk to your family about your and their feelings. Are the losers lesser people?  Is it important to always be a winner?  If I play tennis, play as well as I can and lose the set, am I diminished?  Or is losing part of learning?  We’re interested to hear your take is on this issue.  Please let us know.

THIS "BEARS" REPEATING!!!

We read this wonderful article in the Huffington Post in Oct. 2013, and we thought it "beared repeating".  Rabbi Carr Reuben's profound piece is a "must read" for great-grandparents, grandparents, parents and caregivers. What wise words to start off the New Year!!!   We want to thank the Rabbi for allowing us to "repeat" this.    

                           

                                      

                                                                                                                

Most of the Time 'Good Enough' Really Is! by Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben 

I had a very challenging childhood. My biological father died of a heart attack  when I was four years old and somewhere deep inside I decided that nothing is really ever  totally safe, or secure. So perhaps it wasn't such a surprise, that, even though my mom remarried an amazing man who adopted me and my sister and has been my blessing of a father my entire life to this very day, some traumas just never go away.

I also had a rocky beginning when it came to fitting in and being successful at school. I quit my first pre-school because I was being bullied by kids who wouldn't let me play on the jungle gym. Then I was kicked out of my next pre-school because I was caught writing on my desk. Then I enrolled in elementary school and my parents were promptly informed by my teacher that I "failed' nap because I couldn't even sit still, let alone actually lie down for any length of time without talking. In Kindergarten my teacher was so frustrated with my incessant talking that she put scotch tape over my mouth. Bullied, kicked out of school, failed nap, scotch tape over my mouth, and then I got to FIRST GRADE.

I was at Franklin Elementary from kindergarten through 6th grade and I recall the school having an awful lot of rules: "No running in the halls," "No talking unless you were on the playground," "Students were not allowed to be tardy to class." If you violated any one of these or the other million rules at Franklin, there were monitors that roamed the halls and playground just itching for the opportunity to give any student the dreaded "monitor slip." If you got one you had to present it to your teacher and if you got more than one in one day, you were sent to the principal's office.

I somewhat embarrassingly admit that perhaps the real high point of my entire elementary school career was the fact that I, little "Stevie Reuben," held the Franklin Elementary School record for amassing the most monitor slips ever given in one day -- 23! 

Every single year, every single teacher magically seemed to know MY name by the end of the very first day of school in the fall. Always. And my report cards? I remember them ALL to this very day. Why? Every single report card had the same words written by nearly every single teacher I ever had -- "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Reuben, I believe that Stevie has "a lot of potential." But, he is so easily distracted that so far he is clearly an underachiever."

Well, that was me for most of my life. At least my student life, and my student life was really a long time -- after high school, it was four years of college for a BA in Philosophy and a BA in Political Science at UC Davis, five years of graduate school to get a Masters in Hebrew Letters and become ordained as a rabbi at the Hebrew Union College in Jerusalem, Los Angeles and New York, a year and a half to get a Master's Degree in Education from USC, an internship to get Certification in Aging and Gerontology from the University of Georgia, and two years to get a Ph.D. in Religion from Sierra University in Costa Mesa.

So what's with all those degrees? Actually, I was never that great a student, I always just got by with grades that were "good enough." Not so many "A's" not so many "C's" or God-forbid, "D's," but enough "B's" to end high school with a solid "B" average which at the time was "good enough" to get into college. Then I just kept doing "good enough" to move from one level of school to the next, set another goal and do "good enough" to move to the next level and on, and on, and on.

"Good enough" continued to be my personal theme throughout my entire academic career, and actually, throughout my professional career as well. As I grew into an adult, became a parent and a teacher, and sometimes even a mentor to others, I realized that one of the greatest lessons I have learned from the successes of my own life is that most of the time, good enough really is.

That is why I am sharing all of this in the first place. Even though I was never a really good student, and evidently was consistently an "underachiever" at least in the eyes of my teachers, somehow I figured out how at every turn, with every challenge, in every situation in which I found myself in school and ultimately in life itself, to do and to be "good enough." 

I started writing parenting books in 1987, and whenever I would be lecturing to groups of parents I would often begin by pointing to myself and simply saying, "This is what a hyperactive kid looks like when he grows up -- not perfect, but good enough." The renown psychologist Bruno Bettelheim's last book before he died was called simply, A Good Enough Parent. For Bettleheim, and for me, "Good enough" is just that -- good enough.

It's foolish to burden ourselves or our kids with expectations of being perfect, acting perfect, achieving everything, never missing a shot, making every goal, winning every trophy, being the best at everything, or any number of a hundred different totally unrealistic expectations we so easily slip into for ourselves, our spouses, our partners, our children, our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our friends, and even our rabbis.

No one has a stress-free life. No one gets out of this world without loss, without pain, without sorrow, without failing at one goal or another. So stop and think about all that we do and say every year that somehow validates the idea that each and every one of us is an underachiever in some way, with some relationships, in some setting -- work, or school, or family. Because that really describes every one of us. And so what? The quality of our lives is not a function of getting an "A" on the test, or coming in first at the awards ceremony, or having the fastest car, or the biggest house, or the coolest stuff.

Everyone has failures in life. It is never our failures that define us, but rather our resilience that is the measure of our true character. I know I have experienced pain and sorrow, the death of loved ones, the grief and sorrow of learning to let go, of disappointment after disappointment and yet all of it I now see as necessary elements that ultimately helped create the remarkable life I have been privileged to live.

I was married once and divorced. Having failed in my first marriage, I remember thinking, "What kind of rabbi gets divorced? What kind of role model is that for others?" But then I met and fell in love with Didi, my wife now of some 30 years, and I realized it was my resilience that was the true role model. I was rejected by the college where I first applied and felt like a loser when my second choice university accepted me instead. And then that college sent me to study in Jerusalem for my junior year, and the experience there changed my life and the direction of my career forever. It led me directly into the most fulfilling and remarkable years of my life.

The success of our lives is never dependent on being the best, or always winning, or never making mistakes. It is never about falling down, we all do that all the time. It is always about simply getting up again, dusting ourselves off, accepting every experience as a gift to be learned from, and remembering that most of the time good enough really is.

Life is filled with blessings and curses, but the kicker is, you can never tell for sure which is which. Our job is to grow our souls deeper each year, with every experience we share, with every loss, with every pain, with every joy, with every celebration, with every sorrow, with every tear -- every one of them is part of the building blocks of our lives and who we are is the result of every experience we have ever had. What matters most is never the circumstance or experiences of our lives alone, but the meaning we choose to ascribe to those experiences.

Ultimately, I believe the most important lessons we can learn about life are that it is up to us to fill every day with gratitude, with loving, with kindness, and enough meaning to remind us each day that what we say matters, what we do matters, and who we are matters most of all.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-steven-carr-reuben-phd/ 

HOLIDAYS MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE

Our great/grandchildren

Here are some quick thoughts about the upcoming holidays. In this spirit we present these ideas……
FOR A MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF PLEASURE AND A MINIMUM AMOUNT OF STRESS 

• Family is the most important part of the holiday season!
• Gifts and material things are for the moment, but caring is lasting.
• Children are often the focus of our giving, but caring for ourselves, our children, our family and friends is the best gift we can give. 

PLAN AHEAD  

• Be aware of your energy, money and stamina and spread them out through the holidays so that you have some of each left.
• Cook ahead of time and freeze.
• Don’t shop when you are tired: this helps cut down on impulse buying.
• Shop by phone, internet or catalog or make your own gifts at home.

DON’T OVERDO MATERIAL THINGS

• Discuss the original meaning of the holiday with your great/grandchildren.
• Let your great/grandchildren know what your values are so that their expectations are real.
• Gift giving can be a bottomless pit.  Make a list and then cut that in half.
• Emphasize the importance of people and not things.
• Don’t equate material gifts with love.

KEEP THINGS SAFE

• Check your tree, lights and wiring
• Practice extra precaution when cooking or making crafts

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

• Understand that holidays are a stressful time because of the many unusual demands, especially if you are away from your family or if you have large family gatherings.
• Eat properly and rest – the temptation is to eat fast foods and snacks.
• Treat yourself well and your children will be well.  Accidents happen more easily when you are tired or frustrated.
• Don’t try to be a super great/grandparent.  If you do half of what you planned, you’re probably doing too much.

GIVE AGE APPROPRIATE AND FUN GIFTS

• If gifts are inappropriate, your great/grandchildren may get frustrated and you may get angry because h/she does not meet your expectations.
• A rule of thumb is:  The younger the child, the bigger the toy parts
• “Educational” toys may be “un-educational” if they are not enjoyable.
• Buy and make things that can be used in various, imaginative ways 
• Buy and make safe and sturdy toys http://www.cpsc.gov/

Have a very healthy, safe, fun and peaceful holiday!

Until next year, 

HO HO HO,

Laurie & June

P.S. WE ARE SORRY FOR ANY ADVERTISING LINKS...WE HAVEN'T QUITE LEARNED HOW TO GET RID OF THEM. 

A THANKSGIVING GIVING

This year, we’ve come up with a “giving” idea we want to share.  This involves our four great/grandchildren, ages 8 and 7 year old brothers, and 6 year old boy/girl twins.

In addition to the regular Thanksgiving holiday hoopla, we’re adding a new way for the children to think about the world around them, without judging how they view it.   We feel it is important for children to be aware of the needs of others and begin to see how they can help. 

Each child will be given a personalized box with $25.00, made up of $5.00 bills.  They will become the owners and bankers of their own “trust account”.  Along with the box, they will be given a balance sheet type form to fill out, and written material that explains the needs of many different groups (charities).   

Since they are all quite computer savvy, they will be encouraged to look for charities that are of interest to them.  It will be their job to decide: if they want to give some or all of their money to these or other charities of their choice, or if they want to keep it to buy something for themselves or save it for another occasion. The only requirement is that they keep track of their expenditures on the enclosed form.  They will also be told that this “trust account” will be replenished every year at Thanksgiving.  Their parents will have to help by sending the actual contribution, as the kids don’t have checkbooks or credit cards, yet.

The most important part of this “giving” is: the parents are asked in advance and approve of this, and that NO JUDGEMENT or SHAME be attached if the child decides to keep the money for themselves.  Although this idea implies giving to others, sometimes the child can feel a "personal need”, and we should acknowledge and accept it.

So, watch out: United Way, United Jewish Welfare, Catholic and Christian Charities, ASPCA, ACLU, etc., etc., etc….we are building your future donor and board member list. 

AN UNFORTUNATE TEACHABLE MOMENT

We’ve been astounded by the trial and verdict in the Trayvon Martin – George Zimmerman case.  We’ve been watching, listening and reading.  We suspect that many of you, your children and great-grandchildren have also been following or exposed to this case.  The children are probably sensing our outrage and discomfort, and are not sure how to process this all.

We don’t have the answers, but have found a couple of VERY POWERFUL responses that we want to share.  We would love to know how you, your friends, your children, are discussing this with the children in their lives. 

There are NO easy ways to tell children that racial bias and profiling still exist in this country.  What happened to “liberty and justice for all”?

June & Laurie

********************************************************* 

 
A year and a half ago I was one of the over two million people who signed a Change.org petition posted by two parents, Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin. "Prosecute the killer of our son, 17-year-old Trayvon Martin" it read. Through my tears, I signed that petition and shared it with everyone I knew.

The very idea that an unarmed black teenager who was watching the NBA All Star Game with his family could decide to run over to the local 7-11 and be murdered on the way home by a neighborhood watch captain—and that the person who shot him, George Zimmerman, would not be arrested - enraged me.  After hearing the 911 call,  I was astounded that Zimmerman had the nerve to claim self defense and that the police went along with it and let Zimmerman go free.

Did not the black teenager have the liberty to walk where he saw fit without being accosted by a threatening stranger? Didn't that black teenager deserve the same justice that would surely have been served if he'd been a white 17-year-old carrying Skittles and a can of iced tea?

As damning as it was for it to take 44 days for Zimmerman to be arrested, there was a part of my heart that wasn't completely surprised. When you grow up black in America, you've been to this rodeo before.

Maybe you know about the Red Summer of 1919. Perhaps you heard Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" playing on your grandmother's record player or heard your mother speaking in sorrowful, hushed tones about Emmett Till, about the Little Rock Nine, the Birmingham church bombings--about all the stories of the civil rights movement. Or maybe you came home one night and saw a video of Rodney King being beaten on your evening news. You might've seen Los Angeles burn after the police officers who broke King's body with their nightsticks walked free. Maybe you lived in New York City when Amadou Diallo was murdered, or perhaps you frequented the Fruitvale Station where Oscar Grant was shot by a transit cop.

You know the local stories that never make the national news. Those are shared when your aunties come over, when you're at church, and when you're at the barber shop or beauty shop, getting your hair done. You see yourself in those stories. You see people you know in those stories. You see your own children in those stories.

I've seen my black male relatives and friends followed around stores, denied jobs, and told apartments are already rented when they're not. I've seen them have to learn the nuances of what to do when they're approached by law enforcement. I've been in the car with them when they get pulled over and questioned for having expired city stickers or license plates, which are not actually expired. Tail lights which are supposedly out when the cops pull you over but then they magically work after they've run your ID.

This past year in sixth grade, my 12-year-old was pegged as the scary black aggressor after he punched a white kid. The kid was always getting in trouble for misbehaving, had a history of harassing my son, calling him racial names and swearing at him, and then made the mistake of pulling my son's shorts down in gym class, which pushed my son over the edge. I sat in a school counselor's office boiling as the white child cried that my son had been intimidating him and that he was scared of him, and oh, my son pulled down this kid's shorts first. The white child's version of what happened was being given credence until I threatened to go to the LAPD and file a hate crime and sexual harassment complaint against the other kid.

"I am Trayvon Martin" isn't just a slogan on a t-shirt for us.

My son, Mr. O, is nearly 5' 2" and this summer I've had to tell him, I don't care if you're going to get bored shopping with me or if you feel better having Superman in your pocket, you can NOT take an action figure you already own into Target because it will probably be assumed that you shoplifted it.

Liberty and justice for all? Liberty and justice becomes at least you get to have an action figure at all. Like every other black person I know, I have no choice but to accept the reality of living in an America that has a dehumanized vision of blackness as part of its foundation. I do myself and my sons a disservice if I refuse to admit that this country is good at facilitating inequality which creates policies, laws, and cultural practices that lead to the subjugation, incarceration, and murder of black males.

I don't have to like the way things are. I can fight against the "system" and work to change it--I tell my sons that the reason they are getting an education is that they can learn to solve the problems in our society, so they're equipped to dismantle this system and replace it with true justice and equality. I tell them that they have to be unwavering advocates for racial unity, the people who are friends with people from all backgrounds--and I'm talking true friendships, not just casual acquaintances. But they also have to learn to function in a society that is sick with racism at its spiritual core, because the alternative is to lose your mind when the racism slaps you in the face with a not guilty verdict.

A dear friend asked me earlier today, "How do you talk to your boys about the verdict?" and yet another wondered, "What conversations can we have with our children about this?"

My son's were out watching Superman with their dad and with friends of theirs when the verdict came in. I texted my husband so he could tell them the verdict on the way home. They'd watched some of the trial with me, and we've had countless conversations about racism in America and what happened to Trayvon Martin.

When you're an adult, an unidentified adult male stalking you in the dark is scary. When you're a kid, it's absolutely terrifying. My sons knew that the adult, Zimmerman, was the aggressor from the very beginning, and so they had an unshakeable conviction that Zimmerman would be found guilty. My sons were easily able to put themselves in Trayvon's shoes.  A jury of six women, who have probably been followed by a scary, stalkerish man at some point in their lives, was not.

As my 12-year-old walked in the house over an hour after the verdict had been read, I hugged him tight, and he whispered to me, "I'm so sorry for Trayvon, mom." I broke down sobbing on his shoulder because as much as I have tried to give him a childhood full of innocence, he has never had the luxury of innocence about race.

No, I don't shield these horrific incidences from my sons because they can't afford to think about the systematic impact of racism only when it's national news. Sure, some of us are busy patting ourselves on the back for electing a black President—in much the same way that some folks must've claimed America's race problem was "fixed" after Mississippi elected its first black Senator in 1870.  But in your post-racial America, part of the ritual of them learning to survive as a black male in America is getting real clear that but for the grace of God, you might be shot by someone like George Zimmerman. My sons have to understand what can happen to them because of other people seeing the world through their "black people are scary" glasses.

Indeed, Zimmerman told the police dispatcher, "These assholes always get away." I can burn all of my sons' hoodies, tell them to dress like they just walked out of an LL Bean catalog, and tell them to only play Vampire Weekend on their iPods, but in Zimmerman's world, and for too many other Americans, my sons are "those assholes" no matter what they do, and it's all because of the color of their skin.

I couldn't sleep last night and my sons couldn't sleep either. "Did that court really let that guy who killed Trayvon go free?" asked my 9-year-old several times. "Yep, it did," I replied. He seemed more shocked, and more deflated, every time I told him yes.

At 1:30 AM, my 12-year-old came out to where I was sitting on the couch and sat on my lap. "Why can't you sleep?" I asked him. "I don't know. Just bothered, I guess," he replied. He's big but I held him and rocked him like he was a little baby till he began to doze off. 

Yes, it makes me feel insane to have to have that conversation about action figures. It makes me feel insane that we've had the "should you run or stand up for yourself in this situation?" conversation. It makes me feel insane to have to explain that when the police are following you, keep your hands out of your pockets and don't dig around in your backpack. It makes me feel insane that I have to tell him the same things my parents told me--you will have to work twice as hard as your white peers because you will always be perceived as a problem, as lazy, as inarticulate, as not the right fit for our organizational culture. And now you need to be afraid of the average person, too. 

But nothing I feel right now can come close to what I know Sybrina Fulton and Tracy Martin must be feeling, and I know they need more than our collective anger. And so last night through my tears, I signed another petition. This one came from the NAACP asking the Justice Department to open a civil rights case against George Zimmerman.Sign it, but know that there is more to be done. Sixteen months after Trayvon Martin was murdered, the man who shot him is out on the street again with his gun. There is more to be done. 
by Liz Dwyer 
http://www.losangelista.com/2013/07/thank-you-post-racial-america-for.html

 *********************************************************** 

                                                         Trayvon Martin Verdict Illustrates Need to Speak Out About Racial Bias        

By Richard Cohen, President - The following  statement was issued by Richard Cohen, President and CEO of the Southern Poverty Law Center, following the verdict in State of Florida v. George Zimmerman:  
"They always get away." These were the words George Zimmerman uttered as he followed and later shot Trayvon Martin -- words that reflected his belief that Trayvon was one of "them," the kind of person about to get away with something.  How ironic these words sound now in light of the jury verdict acquitting Zimmerman. 

Trayvon is dead, and Zimmerman is free.  Who was the one who got away? Can we respect the jury verdict and still conclude that Zimmerman got away with killing Trayvon?  I think so, even if we buy Zimmerman's story that Trayvon attacked him at some point.  After all, who was responsible for initiating the tragic chain of events?  Who was following whom?  Who was carrying a gun?  Who ignored the police urging that he stay in his car?  Who thought that the other was one of "them," someone about to get a away with something?

The jury has spoken, and we can respect its conclusion that the state did not prove its case beyond a reasonable doubt.  But we cannot fail to speak out about the tragedy that occurred in Sanford, Florida, on the night of February 26, 2012.

Was race at the heart of it?  Ask yourself this question:  If Zimmerman had seen a white youth walking in the rain that evening, would he have seen him as one of "them," someone about to get away with something?  

We'll never really know, of course.  But we can seriously doubt it without assuming that Zimmerman is a racist in the conventional sense of the word.
  
Racial bias reverberates in our society like the primordial Big Bang.  Jesse Jackson made the point in a dramatic way when he acknowledged that he feels a sense of relief when the footsteps he hears behind him in the dead of night turn out to belong to white feet.  Social scientists who study our hidden biases make the same point in a more sober way with statistics that demonstrate that we are more likely to associate black people with negative words and imagery than we are white people. It's an association that devalues the humanity of black people, particularly black youth like Trayvon Martin. George Zimmerman probably saw race the night of February 26, 2012,  just like so many of us probably would have. Had he not, Trayvon probably would be alive today.

The jury has spoken.  Now, we must speak out against the racial bias that still infects our society and distorts our perception of the world.  And we must do something about it.

---

EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

Way back in the day, before wi-fi, tablets and smart phones, kids spent most of their free time playing outdoors, collecting worms, jumping rope, playing hopscotch, batman, princess, baseball, etc. It is a whole new world now. Kids still do these things, but now there’s the added dimension of electronic devices to fill their spare time. In fact, it is said, that if you want help with your computer, go ask a 9 year old.

As the digital age is upon us, it requires that we respectfully learn from the children: not only how to operate these devices, but (respectfully) understand that these digital gadgets are very important in their daily lives. It is also important for the great-grandchildren to respectfully teach us how to use the devices the way they use them, so that we’re all on the same page. Now is the time that they can be our teachers.

When we care for our great-grandchildren, we find ways to keep the children occupied, but also often need some time for ourselves, just to re-group. We plan age appropriate activities based on the number of children in our care (one is very different than more than one).When the child are busy playing and satisfied, it can seem like Nirvana. But, when they get bored and in the case of more than one, start to argue, other plans are needed. How many times do we reach for the smart phone or the tablet so they can play Angry Birds, turn on the TV, etc. just so that we can catch our breath?

Should we feel guilty about this? We don’t think so, after all, life is about moderation. So, as in life, boundaries need to be set and followed, and supervision is imperative.

We often see adults using digital devices to pacify children while waiting for service at a restaurant, in line for a movie, or just sitting at the park. While we sympathize with using a digital device to keep the children occupied, there may be other ways to engage children while they wait: books, crayons, hangman, tic-tac-toe, hidden word search, etc.

In Order to Make Life Easier, Plan Ahead- At Home and Away

• Have some age appropriate programs saved on your TV for the children to watch. Monitor the amount of time in front of the TV. If it’s a long movie, break it up into smaller time increments.

• Be prepared to watch TV with your great-grandchild, especially if they are young.

• Ask the parents to suggest 4-5 computer games that they allow their children to use. Also ask them to suggest 4-5 “game apps” that they feel are ok, and not violent.

• Negotiate with the children, the amount of time they should be able to use these devices in your home and your car. Remember this is your space, and you are the final decision maker for these rules. The allotted time can be spaced out over the afternoon, the weekend or the time the children will be with you.

• If you leave the house, have a “survival kit” ready to go, with crayons, paper, books to read and/or to be read to, deck of cards (for “go fish”, “crazy eights”, “war”, etc.) or other things that will keep the children occupied.

• Brush up on “rock, paper, scissors”, tic-tac-toe, and other children’s games.

• Keep age appropriate books, magazines, maps, binoculars, a compass and other fun things in your car for travel time.

Enjoy your time with your great-grandchildren, prepare ahead and make time for yourself. And when you need to, get out that handy-dandy Smartphone.