Our family
recently suffered a terrible personal loss, when our dad/husband, Sam Sale,
died in April. We have a terrifically
close family, and while we all gathered around him, and said goodbye, it gave
us pause as to how the great/grandchildren would react. Sam was an integral
part of his grand and great-grandchildren’s lives. He was loving, supportive,
generous and an example of what a grand and great-grandparent could be.
Our
great/grandchildren saw that Sam was failing, and they had many questions,
which we and their parents answered truthfully, and according to our individual
beliefs about death. We all feel that death is part of life. They saw him
struggle with his deteriorating health, but observed us all being loving and attentive
to his needs. Some of the children gave
him pictures that they had drawn, etc.
He was embraced by the whole family until the very end. When he died,
the great/grandchildren also saw how our family came together to openly mourn
and support each other. They experienced our family ritual.
Each member
of our family took some responsibility to prepare for a funeral and reception
two days after Sam's death. After a
discussion with the parents, we decided that the great/grandchildren, ages 6
through 8, should attend the funeral and reception. Because of their closeness to Sam, and
because the eulogies were going to be given by their fathers, grandmother and
great uncle, we knew they would see firsthand, how love is expressed. The chapel was full to overflowing, so they
were also able to experience the friendship and respect for their great-grandfather
that existed outside of the family. Although the service was largely secular,
we did follow some Jewish traditions. It was very touching that one of the great/grandchildren
picked a dandelion from the nearby grass, and placed it on top of the closed
casket. It remained there throughout the
burial. The tears flowed.
It is now 2
months since we said goodbye to Sam, and the great/grandchildren still
reference him in caring and loving ways…recalling details of his favorite
things, as referenced in the eulogies, as well as honoring his past presence at
the dining-room table, etc.
We all have
our way of honoring the dead. Every
culture, every family, every individual will deal with death in their own
way. When your family must face this
inevitable occurrence, here are some questions, regarding the
great/grandchildren, that you many want to ask yourselves and your family.
· How will you answer questions about death
and dying?
· How well did the children know the deceased?
· What will the impact be, if you decide on an
open-casket?
· What are your expectations of the children’s
attention span at a funeral?
· Do you want the children to actually speak
or participate in the funeral?
· Are you prepared for the children’s
reactions? Some may get silly, some very
sad, but both are ok.
However you
and your family choose to go through this experience, remember that children
are unique and may have questions that continue for many years. Be open to
their ongoing questions, reactions and behavior.
